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The Art of Illusion for the Lonely Volume One

By Olga Koch.

Illustration by Michael Julings.

In this troubling time, many of us are stranded Home Alone™. And sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but worry not, because we have collected some excellent tips and tricks to fill your home with the smells, sounds and touches (technology pending) of some much-needed company once again.

  1. Put tennis balls into your washing machine and set it to spin. It will sound exactly like when your nephews come round and run around your house. Remember nephews?

  2. Play some porn on your laptop at full volume, but leave the laptop in a different room. Don’t you hate it when your flatmate has inconsiderately loud sex? Tell them off!

  3. Place a metal bowl in your microwave for 3-5 minutes on 900 and enjoy the sound of a heartwarming celebratory firework display.

  4. Strategically place your house keys in your pocket to make it sound as if someone is constantly drunkenly fumbling with their keys, trying to get into your flat. Advance this hack by creating a series of tripwires around your home, which trigger a pulley system that jingles the keys at intermittent times. Now that’s what I call high investment low reward!

  5. Fit the entire perimeter of your home with pressure pads that say “sorry” whenever pressed for an authentic British feel! Swap it for “I’m walkin’ here!” to be transported to New Yawk Citey!

  6. Sew the tip of another slipper to the back of each of your house slippers, to make it sound like someone is constantly following you around the house: forever scary, but never lonely!

  7. Record the sound of your blender and make it your alarm clock. Before bed, leave your phone in the kitchen and wake up to your pesky flatmate making a breakfast smoothie!

  8. Carefully place a mirror in front of your dining table, so you’re never eating alone!

  9. Pile all of your coats onto your bed for an easy fun party atmosphere! Stay in your bedroom for the “I’m just trying to get some air” effect!

  10. Before your daily walk, put a whole fish into your oven at 150 degrees celsius. When you get back home, get ready to shake your fists at your inconsiderate flatmate, who forgot to turn the extractor fan on again!


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