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I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes, 5G is all around me

By Jenny Collier.

Illustrated by Hannah Eachus.

Since this is a global catastrophe, and we are putting our collective livelihoods, healths and wellbeings (shut up red line, it’s a word) into the hands of those in charge, we feel completely powerless. Everything that is happening to us is being ordained from above and we are ridiculous if we think we have any control.

One night about 3 weeks into lockdown, as my mum and I stood poking a bonfire and the full moon shone down on us, she commented that the clouds were moving across the sky as if someone was removing a massive lid. I said ‘It’s like The Truman Show’ which she said she hasn’t seen (she has). I explained the premise and how it reminds me of everything at the moment.

When I came in later and looked at my phone the first picture to greet me on Instagram was a framed poster of The Truman Show, posted by comedian Mark Olver, who had written a post containing the phrase ‘I’m not the only one who has Truman Show fears at the moment right? Maybe once a day when this new normal feels like it’s a test?’ How weird is that? I mean, I’m not a paranoid person but come on. That is some creepy shiz.

From the moment someone suggested 5G could be responsible for coronavirus, in my household 5G has become shorthand for anything unusual. Anything which is probably being inflicted on us by the government. Anything a bit Truman Showy. Some conspiracy lols to make the quarantine fly by.

Here are some examples of things we’ve blamed on 5G so far. All only half-jokingly.

“There are loads of massive bumble bees out. Way more than usual.”

“Maybe it’s the 5G.”

“I’ve been eating exactly the same, alright I’ve been drinking a bit more, but I’ve been doing exercise. How the hell have I gained weight?”

“It’s Huawei and their 5G.”

“Dad, how come my legs are hairier than yours?”

“They didn’t used to be like this.”


“I didn’t sleep very well last night.” “Did you not? Neither did I!” “We were just saying what a bad night’s sleep we had.” “Maybe it’s because we had tea at 9.30pm and drank all the sloe gin?”

“Na, 5G!”

“That shepherd’s pie is really holding its heat. I just had seconds and burnt my tongue and it’s been out of the oven for ages.”

“5 to the gizzle”

“I couldn’t enjoy that walk at all because I needed a poo the whole way.”

“5 will make you get G now”

“I can’t stop crying because I feel so depressed and I can’t tell if that’s causing my headache or my headache’s causing it.’”

“Effy Gee”

“The full moon is so bright it’s like daylight.”

‘“The name’s G, 5G”

“A lamb let me get really fucking close to it today.”

“Was it a 5G lamb?”

“How the hell did we get through that wine box so quickly?”

“Have you met my friend 5G”

“That tweet I did about corona and 5G didn’t get the number of retweets and favs it deserved.”

“Well obviously! They don’t want you to blow their cover!”

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